Non BPD Losing focus and attention

One of the worst things for me as a non BPD is losing my ability to focus on anything useful and productive. At the worst of time, all my thoughts seemed to be consumed with how to interact with my BPD spouse.

Thoughts like "Just keep quiet!", "Don't say anything.", "Let it go", "I shouldn't have said anything" just filled my mind. It took a long time after I "separated" from my BPD spouse to not have those constant chatter in my mind. I still get them occasionally when I have to interact with her. It's not so bad now.

However I still find it very hard to focus on my work and motivation. Recently I had a very good run at work for about 2 months. Then an episode with my BPD spouse just took the winds out of my sail. It wasnt a big episode but it was enough to throw me off. I am not blaming her for it now. I just accept it as part of life with a BPD and just try my best to get my focus back. I just accept it is my responsibility and try to do it...

Any other non BPD have this loss of focus problem?

Medication for BPD and non BPD

I never used to believe in medication for anything. Especially after seeing my spouse take Zoloft for her depression and it really magnified her BPD symtoms 10 fold! The madness nearly killed me. Zoloft seemed to take all remaining self control and filter away from the BPD and made her truly believe that all the her projections on me are absolutely true. Ultimatums after ultimatums came hurling through and the consequences from them were irretrievable.

Now I take xanax to cope with stress. Not on a regular basis, just when I need it. Maybe once or twice a week. About .25 to .5 mg each time. My BPD spouse also take it to calm down when she feels an attack coming on. It helps.

My BPD spouse also takes 5-HTP to give her a better outlook and mood. She also takes Magnesium Calcium to ease her migranes which can and do trigger the BPD episodes. Basically we are doing whatever it takes to reduce the conflicts in our lives.

Quotes to help cope with BPD partners

Here are some quotes that I find useful for me to deal with my BPD spouse and difficult people.

"If I cannot change the world, I can change the way I look at it."
I believe this is a saying from Confucius. There are many things we cannot change in this world because everyone thinks differently and perceives the world differently from us. This is especially so with a BPD person. You can fight all you want, but it's a losing battle. I have learnt not to go the whole hog with my BPD partner to push a point. I try and if it doesn't work, I accept it and let it go. I try not to put a judgment on it and just work around it.

However I try more with my children as they have more capacity to learn and accept my point of views. I dont really try very hard with my BPD anymore... It's not worth the anxieties on both sides.

"I cannot change the wind, but I can adjust my sails"
A similar quote to the one above by Anthony Robbins. Now when I go around the house and see all the lights and fans switched on as my BPD spouse left them on, I just switch them off and not get upset about it. It's more productive and harmonious this way.

"You should be grateful to the most difficult people in your life. They can teach you the most about life and yourself."

A devout buddhist friend of mine related this to me about how to look at difficult people in my life (not my BPD partner). I may not agree entirely with this but I suppose this is a better way to look at life with BPDs than just hating them.

Extreme reactions of BPD

We know that Borderline Personality Disorder people have extreme reactions to others but does this extend to reactions to your surroundings? My BPD wife (we are separated but still living in the same house. It's complicated...) do not react to my actions as much as before now but one thing I notice now is that she is also very reactive to her surroundings like loud noises, frightening situations or new situations. I remembered more than 10 years ago, we were at a seaside resort and an airforce jet overflew the resort and it was quite loud. My BPD partner had such a fright that she jumped and started crying in fright. Everyone around us was startled by the loud noise including me, but no one had such an extreme reaction as my spouse. I felt compelled to call the resort manager to ask him to stop the jets from over flying the resort.

Recently, there was a lightning strike near my house and this loud event bought me out of my room to check if everything was alright. And then my BPD spouse came out of her room with shock and tears on her face. I can tell you that the reaction on her face was much more shocking to me than the sound of the lightning.

Another thing I have to do around the house is to make myself heard so that I do not "scare" my BPD wife around the house like walking into the kitchen unannounced! The other day she came into the house and was unlocking the front door. I was at home at the time and knew that I had to make some noise so that when she came into the house she wouldn't be startled if she saw me 5 feet from the door when she came in.

These are other "walking on eggshells" events that happen around my wife. Are all BPDs that sensitive to their environment?

BPD Forgiveness

Another previous post on BPD I made on another blog....

Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.

However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.

Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.

At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.

I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.

What is BPD

This is a post I made back in April 09 in another blog. Later I decided to create this blog because there was so much on this topic alone... So here is the original post...

Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.

I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.

(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
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This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!

Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!

In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.

I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.

How to deal with BPD people?

This is a good find on the above
http://allnurses.com/psychiatric-nursing/borderline-personality-disorder-410694.html