BPD Forgiveness

Another previous post on BPD I made on another blog....

Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.

However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.

Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.

At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.

I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.