What is it like to have a partner who have BPD? From a personal point of view, I have to say it is very damaging. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You fight everyday, over the smallest things. You are constantly blamed for everything. It is all your fault, even if you are a mile away! It was the way you looked, the way said something 2 months ago, even the way you think!
You suffer from the bad decisions made by your BPD partner, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. It just drives you nuts because you just cannot understand why they would do the things they do. They may harp on being "green" but when you mentioned about all the appliances, fans, air conditioners left switched on in the house, you are being "pedantic"! After a while you find it easier to go around switching everything off instead of asking your partner to do it, because the fight is just not worth it.
You start to develop very bad behaviours yourself, like not caring too much. If you care too much about anything and try to change it, you are just slamming your head into a brick wall and hurting yourself.
You start to walk on eggshells... Dont critisize, dont look at her a 'certain' way, just dont do anything!
You start to doubt your own sanity. Are you really that bad? Are you really that controlling? Are you really that critical? Are your really that manipulative? Everything that your partner is, you start to have those labels pushed towards you.
You start to lose your focus on life... Nothing is possible anymore, you are just not in control of your life..
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I sympathize! My wife has BPD too and we finally (!) broke up a few months ago. It took me some time to work out what was wrong, because there were so many really weird things that just didn't seem to have any connection with each other. And yet as soon as I learned about BPD I discovered ALL of these weird things are part of the SAME thing.
ReplyDeleteAnd now you've just shown me one more! My wife claimed to be green too, but would constantly leave lights and computers on and get angry with me if I turned them off (because I was clearly trying to "point out what a bad person she is").
When I first knew her she would also leave every cupboard door and kitchen drawer wide open. She wouldn't shut anything. I used to think this was some kind of cry for help - a way to say "my life's too frantic to waste time shutting cupboards". But who knows? I'm still boggled by the list of bizarre behaviors that seem almost universal to Borderlines.
I know exactly what you mean about losing focus. When I left I told her I was no longer a person, just something she used to prop herself up with. She's a lovely person in some ways and I feel awful about leaving her but if I hadn't I'd have become mentally ill myself. That or a heart attack. My blood pressure has fallen a mile since I left.
People might think that you're exaggerating about the pain but you're not in the slightest - it's almost indescribably soul-destroying.
Stay sane!
Thanks for your comments, Albion. It helps to know that I am not alone or crazy!
ReplyDeleteMy health has improved lots both mentally and physically. There are still issues I have to deal with but they are not insurmountable anymore.
You are right about other people's perception of what we go through. No one can understand unless they've been through it. Absolutely soul-crushing....
These two posts make me so sad! I was just diagnosed with BPD a year ago. I feel so sorry for my husband as well. What you fellows should know however is I was not aware that anything was wrong with me. I thought my interpersonal relationship with my husband was somewhat rocky and HE needed help. I felt that he consistently "devalued" me, took me for granted, and of course his distance was because he "didn't care" or even want to take the time to help improve our relationship.
ReplyDeleteHow could these issues be my fault? I’m the one that saw his lack of concern and I am the one that tried to make him see the wrong in his ways. I really sincerely believed that. It wasn't until I saw a program on TV that described me to a TEE!!! The program was called "Born Evil!" Try not to laugh. I am not an evildoer, but they talked about this "doer" who also suffered with BPD. Everything they said just clicked into place. The feeling of emptiness, anger, loneliness, fear of abandonment and of course the lack of trust. The whole thing was so eye opening.
I began digging into the BPD information, the more I read the more knowledgeable I became. I talked to my husband about it and we both knew that we needed to seek professional help. After a series of extensive test, I was indeed diagnosed with BPD!
Then came the guilt of OMG, I am the reason for his distance. I have been abusive to him without any cognitive thought into my behavior.
Long story short, (and honestly I believe that you already know the kinds of abuse the rage and then the love whiplash that happens so often feels like) but we have both put our best foot forward in dealing with this disorder. My husband now knows what to expect and how to handle it when a flare up begins, and now so do I. When BPD begins to take hold, he deals with me very differently. He knows the importance of my need for him to “be there” for me, so to speak. In saying that it is so simple. I realize the flare up before it becomes abusive, and meditate. Meditation has become very important. It offers time for non-impulsive thinking and behavior. He allows time for my need by a gentle kiss a word of praise for my realization and sometimes will meditate with me while holding my hand. I know this sounds so needy, but it works wonderfully. We have been doing it with much success for months now, and the flare-ups become less and less. He can now have friends and activities that don’t include me, and he no longer fears my reaction to it, and I no longer feel he is betraying me somehow.
I am so sorry that your marriage didn’t work out for you, and I am sorry for your wife. This disorder is ugly at best, can and will take a hold of you without mercy. I thank God daily that my husband has stood by me, because I was no picnic. Things between us are great now, not to say that we don’t work for it though. But we have a solution, and a lot more laughter. But also what people need to understand is the astronomical amount of BPD sufferers. There are 4.1 million diagnosed with this very real disorder. I say diagnosed, because there are many more that are not. You will more then likely have to deal with it again and it rarely rears it ugly head until you’re up to your ass in problems from it. To anyone suffering with this disorder or a friend or spouse who has to deal with it, hang in there, and seek help! YOU CANNOT DO IT ALONE!
Michelle, there comes a point the damage is already done and you just cannot undo it. Whether you were aware of your BPD or not, it does not lessen the damage a BPD can do to a fellow human being especially when the other partner does not know about it. It like breaking an egg by accident.. You just cannot put it back together again.
ReplyDeleteI suppose if you found out about the illness earlier on before the hatred and anger sets in, it may be possible.
I know my wife is sorry for all the things that she has done and she
"does not mean it". However even after we knew about BPD, this theme was repeated over and over again...
Even the last few days have been difficult with the mood changes, sudden extreme reactions, etc. Cognitively I know this is a disease but as a human being, you just cannot keep taking the abuse. I am by no means a sensitive person. I have let so many things go already and even the most cruel and damaging things said about me even after she knew about her BPD, I can still let it go. However the damage is already done and I have no feelings for her anymore. I wish her the best but I do not want to go back there anymore, even if it is 1/1000th of what it was at it's worst.
After 15 years with a BPD, enough is enough.
Michelle...first let me say Kudos to you for recognizing your disorder and taking steps to help yourself AND your spouse. My husband is also a BPD and like you fortunately he is sensitive enough to on some level realize it and try to deal with it. I guess this disorder has it's degrees of severeness like anything else. Betterman... like you I can relate to the soul crushing , love-hate relationship that develops after years of dealing with a BPD and I understand why some people can stay in the relationship and others cannot. For me personally... I still have a basis to keep myself mentally healthy and try to help my spouse. I am a suicide survivor... my mother... and quite honestly after that I somehow developed a suit of armor around my soul that even a BPD cannot dammage anymore. So... that said... Michelle share with me if you will what goes on in the mind of a person with BPD and how can I react or not react in ways that will help my husband and I meet on common ground. I have already accepted that his words and actions should not be taken personally. My biggest problem is I have gone to the extreme of not taking him seriously at all... even when I should. I tune everything out and at times have caught myself responding to him in the same verbally abusive patterns in which he has responded to me... like I became a mirror almost and knowing what I know now about BPD I'm sure I have simply further reinforced the negative feelings and thoughts he already has. Help me to help him and any responses will be well received by me. I need honest communication here.
ReplyDeleteCrazimaccaw, I dont think I want to go down the path you are going. That is too damaging for me.. I never want to become BPD myself.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about not taking BPD seriously. Its one thing to be affected so badly by BPD person and then not reacting to them at all. I also find that is the only way for me to stay sane. I don't mean to do it maliciously... It's my only coping mechanism..
One phrase that is helping me now is
"If I cannot change the wind, I can adjust my sails"
http://www.askaden.com/2010/06/why-are-people-with-borderline.html
ReplyDeleteI'm not an expert on borderline personality disorder but I know a lot of readers have similar stories to yours, it really appears that people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) can develop a tendency to engage in reckless or impulsive sex. I don't know if there is clinical studies that look at why people with borderline personality disorder are more likely to cheat but I think if you look at the illness they can start to make a little bit of sense.
http://www.askaden.com/2010/06/why-are-people-with-borderline.html