We know that Borderline Personality Disorder people have extreme reactions to others but does this extend to reactions to your surroundings? My BPD wife (we are separated but still living in the same house. It's complicated...) do not react to my actions as much as before now but one thing I notice now is that she is also very reactive to her surroundings like loud noises, frightening situations or new situations. I remembered more than 10 years ago, we were at a seaside resort and an airforce jet overflew the resort and it was quite loud. My BPD partner had such a fright that she jumped and started crying in fright. Everyone around us was startled by the loud noise including me, but no one had such an extreme reaction as my spouse. I felt compelled to call the resort manager to ask him to stop the jets from over flying the resort.
Recently, there was a lightning strike near my house and this loud event bought me out of my room to check if everything was alright. And then my BPD spouse came out of her room with shock and tears on her face. I can tell you that the reaction on her face was much more shocking to me than the sound of the lightning.
Another thing I have to do around the house is to make myself heard so that I do not "scare" my BPD wife around the house like walking into the kitchen unannounced! The other day she came into the house and was unlocking the front door. I was at home at the time and knew that I had to make some noise so that when she came into the house she wouldn't be startled if she saw me 5 feet from the door when she came in.
These are other "walking on eggshells" events that happen around my wife. Are all BPDs that sensitive to their environment?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
BPD Forgiveness
Another previous post on BPD I made on another blog....
Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.
However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.
Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.
At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.
I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.
Why do we need to forgive? Because we feel anger, disappointment, hate, etc. When I feel these negative feelings, I normally can deal with it. With strangers or people I only casually know, I normally do not get too caught up in what they do, even if they piss me off. I just let it go.
However with my bpd spouse, I just really get embroiled in all these emotions. After many years, I decided to just not do things that will bring about situations that will cause me to feel these emotions. After a while you find that there is not much you can do with a BPD. However the little peace you get from this avoidance is bliss compared with the hell you get interacting with a BPD. However the BPD will not like this avoidance and start to antagonize you to get a reaction. Some of these proddings can be quite vicious.
Anyway back to the topic of forgiveness... After a while, you get into a really dark place and start to get really toxic in the cycle to anger and hate with your BPD. Not a good place to be in. I had to break the cycle. After reading an Anthony Robbins book on relationship, he said rather than give in to negative emotions, treat them as messages and make decisions on how you want to react to these messages. Essentially, you can control how you react to negative emotions. You can wallow in it, question the emotions, like are they valid?, did she mean to do it?, does she realize what she is doing?. Then also decide what you want to do about it.
At one low point recently when I was really angry and hateful. Later that night, I took ecstasy to destress (this is something I do about once or twice a month). With ecstasy, I can look at things differently. I looked at my anger and the specific situation that brought about this anger and I said to myself, "Let it go". This was one of the most peaceful and precious gift I gave myself. I just felt all the hate and anger flow away. Even after 2 weeks, with the effect of ecstasy out of my system, I still do not feel the negative emotions anymore.
I feel it was the combination of me reading the anthony robbins book plus ecstasy that helped me look at my problems with a totally different point of view. This does not solve my problems with my bpd, but it allows me not to wallow in the hate and anger.
What is BPD
This is a post I made back in April 09 in another blog. Later I decided to create this blog because there was so much on this topic alone... So here is the original post...
Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.
I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.
(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
----------------------------
This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!
Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!
In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.
I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.
Wow, this is a touchy topic for me. I've lived with someone with BPD for over 20 years. She has not been formally diagnosed but nothing else I've looked at for years can explain for her behaviours except for Borderline Personality Disorder.
I will try to write about BPD from the point of view of someone living with a person with BPD. In the BPD community, this is knows as a non BPD.
(Taken from BPD wikipedia)
BPD typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or "splitting"; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.
----------------------------
This is a very serious disorder. Many therapists refuse to treat this disorder because they almost always fail or the patient will eventually dismiss them. If you know someone with BPD, please consider breaking up with them. I know this sounds extreme but I know of no other way to deal with them. If I ever come across anyone with BPD, I will RUN!!!
Now that I have your attention, I will try to explain myself. I have lived as a non BPD for over 20 years. For many years I did not know BPD exist. I thought that I was just living with a person who had some problems due to a difficult childhood. In the early years, I had lots of patience and optimism and was willing to forego my needs in order to help out my BPD partner. As long as I wasn't critical and needy, I was an angel and the best person in the world. When I started to want a better relationship with just the most basic things like not misplacing our house keys (a few time a day), I was a BASTARD!
In my youth, I was an easy going, not very motivated person. WIth my BPD person, I was this uptight, pedantic, totally driven person. After a while I started to believe this projection plus all the other negative stuff a BPD will put onto a non BPD.
I recently read that a non BPD will eventually develop problems more serious than a BPD person because of the trauma involved in living with a BPD. Most non BPD develop PTSD, Post traumatic stress syndrome. This is normally what happened to people who are in war zones, crime victims, rape victims!!! I totally believe this. I will write more later.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
How to deal with BPD people?
This is a good find on the above
http://allnurses.com/psychiatric-nursing/borderline-personality-disorder-410694.html
http://allnurses.com/psychiatric-nursing/borderline-personality-disorder-410694.html
BPD Partners or Spouse
What is it like to have a partner who have BPD? From a personal point of view, I have to say it is very damaging. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You fight everyday, over the smallest things. You are constantly blamed for everything. It is all your fault, even if you are a mile away! It was the way you looked, the way said something 2 months ago, even the way you think!
You suffer from the bad decisions made by your BPD partner, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. It just drives you nuts because you just cannot understand why they would do the things they do. They may harp on being "green" but when you mentioned about all the appliances, fans, air conditioners left switched on in the house, you are being "pedantic"! After a while you find it easier to go around switching everything off instead of asking your partner to do it, because the fight is just not worth it.
You start to develop very bad behaviours yourself, like not caring too much. If you care too much about anything and try to change it, you are just slamming your head into a brick wall and hurting yourself.
You start to walk on eggshells... Dont critisize, dont look at her a 'certain' way, just dont do anything!
You start to doubt your own sanity. Are you really that bad? Are you really that controlling? Are you really that critical? Are your really that manipulative? Everything that your partner is, you start to have those labels pushed towards you.
You start to lose your focus on life... Nothing is possible anymore, you are just not in control of your life..
You suffer from the bad decisions made by your BPD partner, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally. It just drives you nuts because you just cannot understand why they would do the things they do. They may harp on being "green" but when you mentioned about all the appliances, fans, air conditioners left switched on in the house, you are being "pedantic"! After a while you find it easier to go around switching everything off instead of asking your partner to do it, because the fight is just not worth it.
You start to develop very bad behaviours yourself, like not caring too much. If you care too much about anything and try to change it, you are just slamming your head into a brick wall and hurting yourself.
You start to walk on eggshells... Dont critisize, dont look at her a 'certain' way, just dont do anything!
You start to doubt your own sanity. Are you really that bad? Are you really that controlling? Are you really that critical? Are your really that manipulative? Everything that your partner is, you start to have those labels pushed towards you.
You start to lose your focus on life... Nothing is possible anymore, you are just not in control of your life..
Monday, April 6, 2009
Symptoms
These are the symptoms that I can relate to as someone (non BPD) who have lived with a BPD person .
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. This is very clear later in the relationship when things got desperate. She will promise that she will change when I say I can't take it anymore.
- A pattern of unstable and intense characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is the splitting part that really gets to me. If I am supportive, I am the best person in the world. If I say anything remotely negative, I am the DEVIL! BPD people are extremely sensitive. No matter how you try to explain and cushion your criticism, they will only hear the negative bit.
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. To me this means she has low self esteem and she will behave differently depending on the social situation. If she is with children, she is condifent. If she is with her peers, she is "normal". If she is with people who are considered her superiors, she will be nervous and anxious.
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving). The only thing I can relate to here is her decision making area. If she wants something, she has to get it.
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself. Only recently I've noticed that she picks on mosquito bites and skin rashes.
- Extreme mood swings. Can come and go in minutes.
- Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
- Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). This is the worst part of BPD, especially now that we have children. It is like being in a war zone sometimes.
- Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms. Her reality is like an alternate world. It just doesn't make sense to me but seems perfectly logical to her.
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